I definitely need to prelude this rambling with I AM NOT A SHRINK.  I would, however, like to have a casual discussion about psychosis, and my real-world, sometimes skewed perception of the topic.  Now I'm not talking about psychosis as in Christian Bale's character in American Psycho.  We're talking about psychotic behavior in relationships.  I think that everyone would agree with me that when people utilize the word "psychotic" in a relationship or post-relationship scenario, they are typically referring to the woman.  Although I fully believe that men are just as capable of psychotic behavior, for this rambling we're going to discuss the female psychotic.  After all, there are some really psychotic chicas out there that are seriously messing up life for the rest of us.  Sometimes, though, things that men believe to be psychotic behavior on a woman's part are the same things they would consider to be perfectly normal if it was a man exhibiting the same behavior in the exact same set of circumstances.

In determining whether behavior and thoughts are psychotic, I would like to propose that the true test comes by answering two questions about the behavior.  Question one:  is it a normal and logical reaction made in that scenario?  Question two:  is it a simply a thought said aloud that the person would never, ever turn into reality?  Applying these two questions to any situation can help determine if someone is reacting in a psychotic manner.  Then, if a pattern of this behavior emerges, that person can truly be deemed to suffer from relationship psychosis.  To find out how well this actually works, let's do a Case Study of Sue.  Oh what fun (for us, not her)!

Sue recently told me she believes that due to a string of coincidences and statements others have made that her ex-husband is going to be at a previously determined location for our next Girls Night Out.  And, based on the evidence, I tend to agree.  Now Sue's ex is the jerk of all jerks, even to beat out all the other jerks in the world...and I don't say that too lightly.  While we were discussing this, Sue mentioned that if she ever saw her ex-husband again, she'd run him over with her car without blinking.  Of course we then discussed the pros and cons of preparing a solid PMS defense versus breaking her out of jail, but that's off-topic.  So let's put Sue's comment to the Psychosis Test.

Answer to question one:  if I were able to divulge the full scenario surrounding her ex-husband's journey into ex-dom, I think most people would agree that running him over with a car is a very nice way of ending his slightly evil existence.  Answer to question two:  while it is nice and healthy for Sue to have her "Ally McBeal moment" in her mind, she would never dream of doing this in reality.  That's not to say that she would shed any tears if her ex did leave this world, but she definitely would not help him with that exit.  Hence, we can conclude that her statement about her ex-husband is not psychotic in the least.

Psychotic behavior, however, comes in many obvious forms that do not require the Psychosis Test to diagnose.  Twelve phone calls a day to your place of employment just to say "Hi", for example, is a definite sign that something isn't quite right.  Likewise if she says she's "falling" for you on the second date, better check her track record...64 ex-boyfriends, 9 live-ins, and 3 engagements in her past is not a good learning experience no matter how you do the math.  Finally, be careful how much she knows about your life too soon into the relationship, like your address, email, work phone, where your parents live, etc.  I've actually heard a girl brag about breaking into a guy's email account three weeks into a relationship to see if the guy was emailing other girls.

For you girls who have psychotic tendencies out there (and you know who you are), here are some bits of advice.  You don't have to know where he is all the time.  Hearing your voice every hour on the phone may damage his ears - quit calling.  He probably doesn't care if the girl across the room has larger breasts than you - a lot of girls are larger, you know.  If he still loved his ex-girlfriend, he probably wouldn't be out with you right now.  Guys Night Out is a good thing...for both of you.  One last thing.  Sure, a lot of guys out there are jerks.  But if you keep thinking that the new guy is just like all the others, you'll end up the jerk in the relationship.  There's no way around it.

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